Handling Unwanted Contact at Work Without Making a Scene

The shoulder squeeze while you're looking at your screen. The hand on the back that lingers a second past the door. The colleague who talks to you from six inches away and doesn't seem to notice or care that you've stepped back twice. These moments are small enough to feel trivial and persistent enough to become a real problem.

Most guidance on this skips to the script: say this phrase, use this tone, problem solved. That would be useful if the hard part were knowing what to say. Usually it isn't.

The actual problem

The gap between noticing something and addressing it at work is wide, and for good reason. You'll still see this person tomorrow. They may be your manager, or close to someone who is. Even if they're a peer, there's a relationship involved that doesn't go away after the conversation. You'll be in meetings together. You may need to collaborate on something with a deadline.

I know what the quiet version looks like. A colleague who put his hand on my shoulder mid-sentence, every time, during every conversation we had for months. He was friendly and well-liked and would have been genuinely mortified to know how it landed. I knew that. It made it harder, not easier, to say anything. Eventually I said something, once, quietly, between meetings. He turned red. We were fine after. But I spent more energy calculating whether to say it than the conversation itself took.

None of that means you stay quiet indefinitely. It means the advice to "just be direct" is missing a few steps about what direct costs in this particular context.

There's also the question of how it lands. Most people who do this at work aren't doing it with intent. They're tactile, or oblivious, or operating on social norms that haven't caught up to where the room actually is. That doesn't make it your problem to fix. It does mean the situation often requires something more precise than confrontation.

What to try first

Say something. This is the uncomfortable part, but it's also the part that actually works.

Start light. "Hands off" is enough. It's not an accusation. It doesn't require them to have meant anything by it. It's just a fact, delivered without drama. Most people will respond to it.

If they don't, you go clearer. "Don't touch me." That's not escalation for the sake of it. It's what you say when the first thing didn't land. Directness here isn't aggression. It's the message the first attempt didn't fully send.

Saying something without escalating

The instinct is often to soften it so much that the message gets lost: "I don't know if you've noticed but sometimes I feel a little..." This version is technically a statement of your feelings and practically an invitation for the other person to explain that you misunderstood. It hands them the wheel.

The version that lands is short and doesn't make room for negotiation. "I'd rather you not touch me" is complete. "Can you give me a little more space?" is close enough. You don't have to explain why. You don't have to soften it with reassurances that you're not upset or that they're great otherwise. An explanation opens a door; a clear statement doesn't require one.

Say it when nothing is at stake in the moment: not in the middle of a presentation, not right before a big meeting, not when you're already stressed about something else. A quiet moment in a neutral context makes it easier for the other person to hear it without defensiveness.

Then watch what happens. Someone who's genuinely oblivious will be surprised, maybe briefly embarrassed, and will stop. That's the most common outcome, and it usually doesn't damage anything.

When it doesn't land

If the behavior continues after you've said something directly, the situation has changed. It's no longer about a person who didn't realize; it's about a person who was told and didn't adjust. That's a different problem, and it may require a different response: talking to HR, speaking to a manager, or deciding what your tolerance is for staying in that environment.

That decision is yours to make, and there's no universally correct one. Some situations are manageable because the contact is infrequent or the rest of the job is worth it. Others aren't, and knowing that is useful even if it's uncomfortable.

One thing worth being clear-eyed about: the fact that saying something might create awkwardness doesn't mean you were wrong to say it. Awkwardness after "please don't touch me" is the other person adjusting to having been told something they needed to hear. That's theirs to manage, not yours.

The case of the manager or the senior colleague

This version is harder because the professional stakes are asymmetric. The person making you uncomfortable has more formal power than you, which means any response carries more risk.

The same principles apply, but timing matters more. Raise it privately. Keep it factual, non-accusatory, and specific about what you're asking to change: "when we debrief after presentations, I'd rather we keep a bit more distance." That reduces the chance it lands as an attack. You're not indicting their character. You're naming one specific thing that would make the working relationship better for you.

If that doesn't work, HR exists for exactly this situation. Using it isn't drama; it's the mechanism your organization is supposed to provide.

The goal in all of this is a workplace where you can concentrate on the work. That's not an unreasonable thing to want, and the path to it doesn't require a dramatic confrontation or a clean break. It usually requires a clear, specific request, made once, and then whatever follow-up the other person's response calls for.

The hardest part for most people isn't the conversation itself. It's the stretch before it, deciding whether the thing is real enough to name. It is. You already know it is, or you wouldn't be thinking about it.